Saturday, July 4, 2009

Craig's house

*NOTE* This is meant to be a poem. Hooray!

air pleasantly warm
reminding us of a sun-baked day
steady creak of the porch swing
keeps time for a soft orchestra
of crickets
distant highways
and subtle wind
whispering wisely to ancient trees
your sharp intake of breath*
indicates the first sighting of a firefly
They ignite!
And gradually the field is a vast galaxy of stars
which live but a moment-
just long enough to fascinate
then, stifled out
one by one
in Night's thick blanket.
like nothing happened at all

*Alternate line: "you squeeze my hand/[indicating]"...
which do you like better? Please comment. :)
PS: The title does not imply a romantic relationship with "Craig". Just so you know.


Suzie said...

I'm casting my vote for the hand squeeze.

Paul Epperson said...

Upon further pondering I came to the conclusion that both lines are good, but they each do something different for the poem.

The line "your sharp intake of breath/indicates" seems to flow more naturally with the rest of the poem focusing on the fireflies and what's happening with them. The breath is just another part of the setting and sounds.

The alternate line, "you squeeze my hand/[indicating]", involves interaction between two people, taking some of the focus off of the fireflies.

Sorry for the long explanation.

PS. I really enjoyed the poem.