Monday, August 31, 2009

Have you ever been on a blind date?

I have. Usually (for me) they're interesting and not super fun or memorable. All I remember from one of them is how obsessed he was with Charlie Brown/Peanuts... that's cool I guess. But if you're gonna be obsessed with a comic, couldn't you choose a funny one, at least? "Oh man! Lucy pulled away the football again?! No WAY! I can't believe she did that! The irony! The hilarious-ness! Ha ha ha..." And from another blind date, I can't remember what we did or even the guy's name for the life of me. Good thing my life doesn't depend on it. I'd be dead. But then, I know so many Matts... if someone was torturing me for his name I'd probably say "Matt" and I'd probably be let off the hook. Or the rack or hot iron or whatever they were torturing me with.

My point is, blind dates aren't that fun. As aren't, I would guess, dates with blind people. So vote for Sarah Hall to get Lasik, so her dates can be fun for the rest of her life!


PS: I don't mean to be offensive to all you blind people out there. Wait a second... unless you have braile computers these days, pretty sure you can't read this. So... I guess I shouldn't worry about offending anybody. But if your better-seeing friend is reading my blog to you right now, just know that I have really bad eyes without my contacts/glasses. We have a lot in common! So you should keep feeling/listening to my blog. Thanks.
PPS: I also don't mean to offend Charles Shultz or his family and friends.
PPPS: You can vote for Sarah every day until Sept. 8th. And you should. And tell all your friends! Ok. I'm done.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Conclusion to the previous two posts

After thorough analyzing of the preceding data, it has become evident that the female species, especially those between the ages of 19 and 22 years, converse mostly about males, relations with males, and their own [believed] beauty/attraction. At the very least, it is clear from this, our case study, that these specific females residing in Apartment 15 turned out to be and perhaps still are the silliest girls in all of England. We suspect that most females in the same age range follow similar patterns in conversation, and behavior which inevitably leads to such speech.

More psychosocial documentation will be available in May 2011! Check the future best seller, "Findings of Francis and Brough-- a *Dating Approach".

*data may be potentially skewed, due to the status of the authors and their potential biases. As recently returned missionaries, they may be awkward, and have forgotten how to woo the menfolk.

Dianey Proverbs BYU- Winter '08

Boys can't solve problems! ...They cause them! - Shay

He didn't even kiss your hand? - Robyn
He didn't even kiss your face?? - Diane

Here comes my face...I WARN YOU!!! - Nae

We were cuddling while I was playing old-school Nintendo. And I was like 'this is what heaven is actually like.' - Benji

Yeah. Nothing like making out with an unconscious person. - Steve

I can't wait until my life fits a love song... :) - Shay

You can lick my legs if you want to...they're not muscley. - Josh

You look like a monkey. - Guy 1
I was going to abercrombie model. - Guy 2
What's the difference? - Shay

Hitler would approve. - Diane

I want tuna fish. - Janae
I want my headache to go away. - Kelli
I want a banjo. - Shay
I want a man. - Diane
Diane asks for the impossible. - Kelli

Hide the vases! She's reading J. Swift!!! - Suzie

Janae, I make your mother stand in front of the mirror every morning and swear, so that she doesn't get translated. - Bro. Card

There's times to be honest, and there's times to just freaking lie. - Benji

Different kinds of...exude-tion. - Suzie


I almost didn't recognize you with your clothes on! ...I mean...GASP! - ?

That's awesome! Suzie eats me every time I open my phone! - Robyn

What does 'Ay carumba' mean? - Suz
I don't know, but hispanic people say 'Ayayay' when they're freaked out. - Di
Ayayayayayayay...I could say that all the time. - Suz

I can't, because then you'll know I'm not a boy! - Dianey

I think I'm an unintentional drama queen... - Kelli

I want one of those too. - Suz
The typewriter or the lamp? - Nae
The Man. - Suz

The stove is constantly rotating. - Brian

I pride myself in sounding obnoxious! - Nae

I know this is really awkward because I'm not wearing much, but I was really hot... ... - ?

THAT'S where the snot comes from. The De Jong! - Barney

I learned something new! - Kelli

Wow! I'm up there with Winston Churchill! You should make a book...or a t-shirt!!! - Diane

'Aa-doo' - Jared
I thought he was saying 'adios,' but a weird, feminine version! - Paul

Do you think I look freaky? - Robyn
Freakiness is in the eye of the beholder. - Suz
So, you're saying I have a freaky eye? - Robyn

I killed your bare hands with a bear! - Doug

I belong to everyone. - Diane

If you behave, I'll give you a kiss tomorrow. - Kelli to Brian

I wish I could put that on the quote board but no one would understand that we're talking about perming our leg hair. - Janae

It's an 'r!!!' It's a sign! - Kelli

It's like a time vortex here! - Jared

I got an 'F' on your test cause you have no soul! - Brian

It's been a pleasure flirting with you. - Diane

I almost pretended to kiss him. ...Kick! I meant kick! - Janae

Shaylee, darling. You have the cutest squishy I have ever seen. - Janae

Ooo, here's a dollar! - Allison

I don't play 'hard to get.' I play 'come get! come get!' - Diane


Are you going to treat him like a princess? - Dave

Kill me. I'm sure I'll smell better dead. - Robyn

Gotta collect 'em all! - ?
Who do you want to collect first? - Robyn

We played smear the queer. - Robyn
Were you the queer? - Paul
I don't know what that means...but it hurt. - Robyn

Ah "Force" make-out. - Ben
That is what we call a federal crime. - Richard

It's TIMED, you imbecile!!! - Suz

Has nature ever given us anything more perfect? - a commercial
Me! - Shay and Suz, simultaneously

Don't give in to Satan. He wants you to be mad at me, but I'm really cool so you shouldn't be. - Dianey

The curse of my body...boy does it look good! - Nate

One more boy, one more weekend, one more Nazi. - Brian, Shay, Nae, and Suz

How hard can it be? You know where everything goes... - Kelli

7 cups!!! - Janae

I'm going to look back on this and say, 'Honey, I'm so glad we were sealed for time and all eternity before you saw this...' - Nae

2 boyfriends to go and an apple turnover! - Brian

I love how I brag about my roommates like they're my kids. - Suzie

Okay, I'll look for a semi-colon. - Robyn

I kneed you, I kneed you, I toed you I kneed you back in the arm-y! - Diane
STRIKE ZONE!!! - Steve

Lifting a child, twisting a child, bending a child... - Brian

Everything can be explained by the fact that I'm way inexperienced... - Suzie
Let's end that tonight! - Nate

Los secretos de dos, no son Dios. - Benji/common Spanish saying

I hope that _______ doesn't come between us. - Diane
I don't think he can, Diane. Unless you try to date him, in which case, I will destroy you. - Janae

I'm glad I don't have a boyfriend 'cuz I can do this! - Diane

I luff joo. - Ashwea

I love him as a person. - Diane
You love him as a person as opposed to...? - Suzie

Sca-a-a-a-ter suuuunshiiine... - Janae

The eyes, the voice--I could date that alone! - Suzie

I was really getting into it... - Diane

I need a man to harness all my energy! - Suzie

Why are they so sad? Tickle-me-Elmo, Tickle-me-Emo... - Diane

Lisp Support Society and Association


Saturday, August 22, 2009

Dianey Proverbs

A little blackmail never hurt anyone... right? :) I typed this all up because I'm going through things to get rid of and clean up my room. I'm throwing away the wonderful quote board (one of two) from Fall '07/Winter '08, with my wonderful roommates of Apartment 15. I figured since it was displayed proudly in our apartment for all to see, what's the harm of displaying it on my blog? Funny, funny times.

I feel like a bus hit my voice box. -Nae

They're like, "she's female, I guess." -Jonathan

We were passionate 7 and 8 year olds... -Nathan

Be anxiously engaged in a good cause, but don't be overly anxious about being engaged. -Pres. Hall

Kissing with candy is fun! -Kristen

I only have one quandary, where is he?! -Janae

-You have such a nice blend together -Gma Card
-And if you ask me, y'aint that bad to look at either! -Gpa Card

Mom, you're supposed to care about the superbowl. It's super. -Shay

You must live, Dear Sandwich you're going to live! It's too soon, too soon to say goodbye! -Suzie

PTLOR - Prolong the lack of relationship -Dianey Face

-Something's wrong with me today -Janae
-That's okay -- I have a mosquito bite. - Diane

Monica Lewinski's Ex-boyfriend's wife for president! -Nate

Diane, your group of friends is the best kept secret at BYU! -Matthias

-Why aren't the engaged people under the mistletoe? -Robyn
-To keep them under control! - Suzie

I've decided to become illiterate in love, because every time I read into something, I'm so wrong! -Janae

Kind of like me and you. I'm the horse. You're the pretty blind girl... with the boy. Dang it!! -Robyn

When you finally get your first kiss, we'll talk logistics. -Robyn

Stress = DEATH! -Shay

I know why I don't like him. He's a presumptuous little twit who thinks he can take our
roommate on a date. - Anonymous

It's like a handshake with your lips. -Mike S.

There was this one time... Oh... I almost started a story I didn't have. -Chris

You'll have to genotype the man you're going to marry to see if they'll be fat or go bald. -Bro. Peterson

No drug references on Sunday! -Shay

-There's only 3 ingredients -Kelli
-Truffle, chocolate and... -Keith J.
-Angels! -Benji
-We were eating angels?! -Keith
-Darn good tasting angels! -Benji

I think we have chemistry, but he's consisting of the wrong elements. -Diane

-Hmmm. what vegetable is rectangular? -Robyn
-CHEESE! -Kelli

121...313...Bob, dad, mom, ... wow! -Robyn

You make the baby--I'll make the blanket. -Janae

You have just lost your headlamp privileges! -Suzie

They're going to suck my blood today. The only one I want to suck my blood is Edward Cullan... but first I want him to suck my face. -Robyn

-Diane, I freakin' love you!-Suzie
-...But not in that Ensign way... -Janae

Robyn laughs and gently says, "shut up" -Diane

I'll flex and hold you guys. -Chris

-I'm going to bed -Suzie
-Can I go to bed with... er, too... um, I'm going to bed! -Robyn

Dating someone in your ward is like peeing in the pool. It feels good at first but then you have to swim around in it. -Katie V.

It's like a one year stand! -Janae

They're like stray cats. If you feed them they keep coming back. -Janae

I look like a hippopotamus. ... a sexy hippopotamus... -Anonymous
(...months later...)
I look like a cavewoman... a sexy cave woman... -?

What if people kissed so much that over time their lips started to evolve? -Robyn, Biology class

You could break into the city center and have good lips, all at the same time. -Tami

Just look at the bright side. Once you're married, there's no competition. -Janae

What?! I sleep with her. -Kelli

Manicure: It's called that because when a man gets one, he's cured from being a man. -Jeff Parks

You guys know what's awkward? I have a book that belongs to a married man. -Diane

Thanks for the sea cum-cuper! -Suz

Someone can be nice without a but(t)... -Robyn

Charm is a plasma. He is the solid form. -Nae

Did I tell you about that herd of deer outside my house the night that I couldn't sleep? -Shaylee

When I dance Salsa it's definitely not mild. -Kelli

Liscenced to FREAK! -Nae

I would totally marry Diane, but not her brother. What?! I like her better! -Robyn

It's the tall people! Against Mexicans! -Diane

It's TIMED, you imbecile!!! -Suzie

I support mistletoe toe in most of its forms, and all of its purposes! -Brian

Something about Idaho makes us hot. -Diane

Everyone dies but me. I don't die, I hold dying men on my lap! -Nae

Don't give up on men. Not yet. -Suzie

I need to get married -- just for all the free stuff. -Kelli

Who's up for non-kissing tag? -Barney

Why aren't you ladies on dates? Guys are slugs. -Bro. Brough

Actually, I'm Belle. I'll marry a hairy beast. -Janae

Ben has a really nice... butt. -Maren

That's what it's for, you know. A clean sink is a clean heart! I have no idea where that came from. -Janae

Talking to Diane is an important part of making your life happy. -Benji

My brain is angry with me because I'm not keeping my end of the deal. -Suzie

Don't tell anyone but chick flicks are kinda funny sometimes. -Anonymous boy

Suzie's as busy as a little deseret. -Diane

Your love is like the wind. IT blows me over. -Robyn

The classic movie of Apartment 15: Finding NCMO. -Steve

But if I do die, we'll see how popular I was! -Nae

I could SO stalk him... but I won't. -Suz

I married so many people when I was young. -Janae

Why is it the pre-mies in this ward hook up faster than RMs? -Robyn

*giggle* I'm seductive! -Robyn

-Give them sugar! They'll have more fun! -Sis. Card
-That has two connotations. -Barney

I think that's why God created roommmates. -Janae

I just had the whim to cut my sandwich into butterflies! Did you ever do that? -Suzie

It's simple, to the point, green... it's got everything. -Suzie

Gossip flies when you're having fun! -Janae/Brian

Last time he didn't even try anything... and I still wanted to deck him! -Robyn

Guitar Hero is virtual tobacco. So addicting. -John Packer

I must be nice to kiss. -Robyn

And he informs me it's 'gay frog.' -a spoonerized Suzie

Humphrey 'Sexy' Bogart. He'd have to lose his middle name if he stopped somking. -Barney

I've got to stop being so hot! -Kelli

I'll cough into their faces. ... with romance. -Nae

Make sure you put it in horizontally... oops! They're round! -Suzie

It's a SIGN! -Robyn

I dropped her and she tore my shirt off. -?

-So... how about them Dogers? -Steve
-I don't know... I don't really follow football. -Kelli

You have the fattest fingers in all of England... no offense. -Dianey

So today I was thinking about _____ and I realizd that he's probably not thinking about me. At
least I'm not bored. -Janae

Um... I was kissed by a drunk man once. -Benji

I wonder if black people are ticklish... -?

I woke up and it took me like ten minutes to say, "'Sup?" -Christian

We're all naked under our clothes! -Shay

I have to marry a really ugly man so that my kids won't be persecuted for being so hot! -Diane

I nose that I toed you I liver.... intestine! -Robyn, Dianey, Steve P., Paul

Why pay rent if you don't get dates? -Mom Francis

Pudding? Is it figgy? Because if it is, I won't go until I get some! -Benji

I propose a toast: To apartment 15: may the grades come easy and the boys come fast! -Suzie

Friday, August 21, 2009


there's something so poetic
about the candle
never moved, never opened
fire never playfully teasing the wick
the smell of apple cinnamon
never fills the room
never performing the expected task

only touched three times a day
so as to hold a tube in place
as liquid drains
in a slow steady pace
leftovers of some
unsatisfying nourishment
for one who cannot taste or smell

other tools may think it useless
but its consistence is vital
it, being there, near the sink
helps the helpless

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The Parable of the cold can o' chili

Once upon a time, I was over at my friend's apartment, just chillin'. We'll call this friend Ben D. to protect his identity. Or... how about B. Downard. I like that better. No, how about just Ben. Ben is pretty chill.


Ben had been eating some chips and chili, as he chilled on his chillin' couch in his chillin' pad. After a while, he mentioned how the chili had gone cold.

"How about you warm it up again?" -Diane
"Nah." -Ben
"It's not that hard: just bring it over to the microwave and heat it up real quick." -Diane
"Nah. I'll just eat it cold." -Ben
"Do you like it cold?" -Diane
"No. But it's like this, ya see? Someday, at the end of the world, when all the microwaves fail to work and all we're left with is cans of cold chili, everyone will despair, except for me. I've been having cold chili all along, just to get ready. They'll all be crying for warm chili, and I'll just pop open a can, and spoon it in like I always do. I'll be prepared." -Ben

I've never met anybody who willingly endures unpleasant things just because they'd rather be prepared for the future.

Maybe there's nothing to analyze, and he really just didn't want to get off of the couch.

But I've thought a lot about this in my mission prep. I've still got a month and a half left, and I know I'll have quite a different lifestyle in the MTC and on the mission field then I do right now. So the question is, do I take the "Can of cold chili" approach? or the "Fill the canteen with all the warm chili you can, and just drink it down, enjoying every last warm bean, baby" approach?

I'm kind of doing a little bit of both.

  • Missionary schedule (rise at 6:30 am, bed at 10:30 pm): Canteen. I tried this for a while, but let's face it. I'm totally a night person, and this is totally unreasonable until I'm in a place where everyone else is on the same schedule. It'll be probably a bit hard to get used to, but I'm not really doing anything to get ready for it now.
  • Wearing missionary style clothes: cold chili (just about every Sunday, or chance to wear Sunday clothes. Not every day yet... don't worry)
Hana went to the MTC today, P.S. !!!

  • but Nylons? : Canteen. I'm not putting those guys on, until forced. And after enduring it at the MTC, I hear I won't have to wear them out in the field because Honduras is so very hot! Yeah, man!
  • Preach My Gospel/ Spanish Book of Mormon: cold chili. I try to do an hour a day, so that adjustment won't be as hard. I decided that the 2-verse-per-night-just-before-hopping-in-bed thing needed to be upgraded. How will I be able to teach if I haven't studied these things?
  • Don't date: enjoy the nunnery life: canteen. I can't help it. I just really like doing things with my friend Paul... a lot. If you knew him, you'd understand. You'd be wanting to get into his schedule too. But I only have a month and a half, so just wait a bit before chasing him, all right? Thanks. :)

  • Eat a lot of hispanic/Honduran food, and don't refuse: cold chili. I'm suffering and enduring this as best as I can, let me tell you! I tried tongue taco, freshly squeezed lime juice, friend bananas, and a Honduran dish called "Baleadas": tortilla+beans+eggs+cheese+sour cream= Amazing! The nice Honduran family which fed this to me said it was very typical down there. That's fine with me!
  • Only church music and enertainment: canteen. Although, I've increased my Spanish music library considerably over the past couple of months. But... it'll have to be left behind. I imagine they wouldn't let me blast Juanes or Reik in the halls of the MTC.
  • Speaking Spanish: cold chili. I've been so happy and blessed to be able to speak a lot lately. Pretty sure getting an Insta-friend from Bolivia just a few months before going on a Spanish speaking mission was no mistake. I love speaking in Spanish! Arianna is a great teacher! Also, I'd like to be on the fast track at the MTC if I could, so I'm trying to get ready for that dreaded phone call I hear I'll be getting one of these days. Oh! And the Spanish Branch on Sundays! What fun! I love it.
  • Temple: Canteen. There isn't a temple yet in Honduras, so I'm trying to go as much as I can now, with the blessing of having 13 temples in Utah. Besides, with such a lofty goal, I have lots to do!
I think it's interesting to see what I'm choosing... the things I'm already willing to sacrifice, and the things I'm holding on to until the very last second. When it's the end of the world and everyone is weeping for sleeping in, boys, movies, and days before nylons, hopefully I'll take my can of cold chili with a smile on my face and dig right in. Besides, I'll have some nice Horchata to wash it down with.