Something made me think of this old blog tonight, and I went way back to read of happy college days. It was fun to remember how life was then: the friends I had, the things I was learning. It was fun to see the comments from those friends, and to feel validation from them even now. But the most fun, was to remember the days when I would write, and the joy I received when allowing myself to do so.
In 2009 I served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My blog became a place for my weekly emails. Those posts were the beginning of a long decrescendo as I lost myself in mental illness. Eventually I came home from my mission after serving for 10 months instead of the anticipated 18. It took years to recover, and in that time I wrote some blog posts, but I never look at those now. I was(/am?) ashamed of them. I thought they betrayed the real me. I have considered deleting them occasionally over the years.
But now, I don't know if it's just that it's 3:11 AM or if I'm serious, but I think it's time to resurrect this little blog of mine. I don't expect the people who used to read it to rediscover it. Heck, I don't really expect anyone to read it. I know it will never be the same as it once was. I am not the same.
And I'll leave all those cringe-worthy posts which were written by a woman who was mentally unwell. Because though I consider myself recovered, that woman was still me.
Deep inside, I have felt out of sorts for some time now, and I believe the reason could be that I am a writer who hasn't been writing. It's time to try again.
2 comments:
Man, I just wrote a big comment and it got deleted. But I’m still here and reading! I basically talked about how real mental health is. I’ve not undergone too many trials in that regard, but even then, I’m always surprised at how sad and empty life can feel when you are in the grips of some struggle. I had forgotten about you returning home. Missions are a pressure cooker of stress and anxiety. So glad you recovered!
Yay, thanks Gabe! I appreciate you. I’m so glad I recovered too. Thanks for reading and commenting! 😊 That made my day!
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