"Are you happy in your heart?" -Mary Lund

Once upon a time, Diane wanted to be a heart surgeon.

Although it was an extremely ambitious idea, I was interested in the medical field, details, and healing hearts. But as the reality of the cost, competition, amount of schooling ahead, and lack of interest in chemistry or any of the hard sciences became apparent, I drifted away and altered my dreams.

There are things that you could say to describe me. People have said that I am friendly, thoughtful, silly, and impulsive. But I doubt you would say "Go-getter".

Being the youngest (at least for 12 years) in my family taught me to be very dependent. I looked to my siblings' examples in everything. They seemed to be successful, so instead of exploring things for my own, I attended the same schools, took the same classes, had the same types of friends, was involved in the same extracurricular activities, and carefully hopped from footprint to footprint, failing to make my own impression in the snow. It was too risky, too uncertain, too dangerous. Because my siblings were involved in good things, I was happy in my mimicking, and enjoyed my experiences. But especially as I made the decision to come to BYU, a school where my parents and all of my siblings had gone, I began to long for something more. I wanted to do things for personal reasons, so I could be sure that I wasn't just trying to please other people, but that I could someday look back and say, "I spent so much time, effort, and money here, because I truly wanted to learn at BYU."

I see this pattern over and over again. I have so many desires: to get out of Utah Valley and gain a broader understanding of the world around me. To maybe even leave the country and get my feet wet in order to feel the full intensity of the culture shock. To grow up. But I find myself continuing in what is comfortable and letting these opportunities pass without much more than the thought, "Oh, I should've gone to that informational meeting!" or "I should really research those websites and see what that would involve... sometime." Am I lazy? Am I afraid? I think a little of both. So many times as I am feeling lost, I just wish someone would take my hand and guide me through every step to ensure that I can catch one of these trains before they all leave me, standing alone at an empty station.

I still want to heal hearts. It may be symbolic rather than literal. I want to be the kind of person that others can come to, and I can truly help them as they struggle with transitions. Whether it be the difficulty that comes with becoming an adult, or a divorce and the traumatic effects on the couple and the family. These feelings of frustration and prolonged uncertainty nag at me every day. If, someday, when I figure it all out, I can take someone else's hand, and sincerely guide them until they feel that they can do it on their own, I know I will have made a significant difference.