I no longer need to bottle it up

 When those moments come, where everyone is getting along and there’s no chaos at all — those golden and ever-so-rare moments — that’s when I intentionally memorize it. Try to bottle it up. This is how I can “enjoy it because it goes so fast”.

With four children under the age of 9, it feels like moments like this happen 1% of the time, if that. Our usual consists of breaking up the fights, cleaning up the spills, getting ground-in playdoh out of the carpet. It’s chaos between the kids, between me and them, between me and myself. The constant guilt-ridden thoughts of how I’m doing it all wrong, and how they are too, are absolutely exhausting.

If you have stopped reading, I don’t blame you. I would want to stop reading. I wanted to stop having this life.

And I am so glad I chose to stop. Enough was enough.

For years, I have had a victim mentality. I had no idea how much power over my own experience I actually held in my hands. My negative thoughts became so loud and bombarding, and I felt so miserable, that it was even affecting me physically. I thought, ‘if all of these thoughts can make me feel this bad, I bet if I could turn this around, I could fly’.

I’ve made a conscious choice that enough is enough in the self-loathing department. I now like myself, an awful lot. I am doing things I want to do, just because I want to (#Bostonwithoutkids). This lightness I feel has extended to my husband and kids and I am enjoying them, just as they are, way more.

Two nights ago, I just sat, watching my kids play duplos together, feeling waves of contentment wash over me and throughout my body. I watched, smiled, and sat there, amazed that I could feel so good and for so long. It was way past their bedtime, but they were enjoying each other, and I couldn’t stop watching.

The best part was, I didn’t feel this desperation of bottling up the feeling because of how rare it was. Because, you see, when I am looking for the good in me, I am also finding the good in them way more often. It seems they changed, but really, all I changed was my focus. I can’t believe how simple and yet absolutely life changing and profound it all is. The agency God gave me extends right down to how I choose to think about things, and how that makes me feel. And I’m glad to feel content much more often. I deserve it.

(I give credit to this change in myself to: Jody Moore coaching, The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks, the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and myself for the work I’ve been doing to be wrong about my previous painful and terrible story, and for challenging my thoughts and choosing ones that serve me much better. And to Paul, who said, “Just try Be Bold for a month, and if you don’t like it, you can always cancel.” And who has had many discussions with me about all this along the way.)