Enabling

(for Lindsey)

A few months ago, I transplanted a sunflower plant from the front yard to the back garden. Within a day it was droopy and looking very sad. I gave it plenty of water and it had good soil and sunlight, but soon some of the leaves had turned brown and it was so bent over, I thought it was a goner.

I got the idea to put a little stick in the ground, and tie some twine around the top of the stem and the stick in an effort to straighten the plant. I hoped that if the leaves on the top, which hadn’t yet died, would be able to get some sun straight on, that it would get the necessary chlorophyll and be able to eventually become strong again.

I marveled when this worked. Within a week, life was literally coming back into the brown, dry leaves. It was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen in my garden.

When I’ve thought about the Atonement of Jesus Christ over the years, I think I had a basic grasp of the concept of the redemptive power it brings. I hoped that one day, if I did the very best I could do, He would “make up the difference”. What I am only now starting to understand is the beautiful enabling side of it. He gives us life, even now. All along the way He strengthens us and allows us to grow. The Atonement isn’t something that I hope will save me someday. It can save me today. And tomorrow. And every day.

You are that sunflower. Now there is time to turn inward and restore that relationship with yourself — the divine being that you are — and allow Christ to breathe life back into your leaves. Be gentle with the parts of you that feel bent and lifeless, and have hope for what is to come for you. God can cause a miracle in a sunflower, but more meaningfully, He is bringing about miracles in you. And you are worth it.

I no longer need to bottle it up

 When those moments come, where everyone is getting along and there’s no chaos at all — those golden and ever-so-rare moments — that’s when I intentionally memorize it. Try to bottle it up. This is how I can “enjoy it because it goes so fast”.

With four children under the age of 9, it feels like moments like this happen 1% of the time, if that. Our usual consists of breaking up the fights, cleaning up the spills, getting ground-in playdoh out of the carpet. It’s chaos between the kids, between me and them, between me and myself. The constant guilt-ridden thoughts of how I’m doing it all wrong, and how they are too, are absolutely exhausting.

If you have stopped reading, I don’t blame you. I would want to stop reading. I wanted to stop having this life.

And I am so glad I chose to stop. Enough was enough.

For years, I have had a victim mentality. I had no idea how much power over my own experience I actually held in my hands. My negative thoughts became so loud and bombarding, and I felt so miserable, that it was even affecting me physically. I thought, ‘if all of these thoughts can make me feel this bad, I bet if I could turn this around, I could fly’.

I’ve made a conscious choice that enough is enough in the self-loathing department. I now like myself, an awful lot. I am doing things I want to do, just because I want to (#Bostonwithoutkids). This lightness I feel has extended to my husband and kids and I am enjoying them, just as they are, way more.

Two nights ago, I just sat, watching my kids play duplos together, feeling waves of contentment wash over me and throughout my body. I watched, smiled, and sat there, amazed that I could feel so good and for so long. It was way past their bedtime, but they were enjoying each other, and I couldn’t stop watching.

The best part was, I didn’t feel this desperation of bottling up the feeling because of how rare it was. Because, you see, when I am looking for the good in me, I am also finding the good in them way more often. It seems they changed, but really, all I changed was my focus. I can’t believe how simple and yet absolutely life changing and profound it all is. The agency God gave me extends right down to how I choose to think about things, and how that makes me feel. And I’m glad to feel content much more often. I deserve it.

(I give credit to this change in myself to: Jody Moore coaching, The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks, the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and myself for the work I’ve been doing to be wrong about my previous painful and terrible story, and for challenging my thoughts and choosing ones that serve me much better. And to Paul, who said, “Just try Be Bold for a month, and if you don’t like it, you can always cancel.” And who has had many discussions with me about all this along the way.)