The things I do for a little extra credit...

I went to the Testing Center with a quest. I didn’t have any tests to take, but I thought that this was the ideal place to go and break a social norm. I sat down next to a young-looking guy and got out my notes and book and looked as if I was studying and cramming. It was 8:45pm, and the last tests are handed out at 9, so if I really did have a test, it would make sense that I was anxious, like I had left it to the last minute. It was quiet and there were others nearby, also cramming for their exams. After about 3 minutes of my pseudo-study, I looked over at before-mentioned guy and said, “Excuse me”. He looked up. And so did everyone within earshot. Our dialog went something like this:
Diane: “Hey, um… I’m really nervous about this test. Would you give me a kiss for good luck?” (I tapped my cheek with my finger and tried to have a cute smile on my face)
Random Guy (with color creeping to his face): “No, I can’t.”
D: “Oh.” (in my mind, ‘"Can't"?! I didn’t even do a ring check. I thought he was a Freshman. I hope he’s not married. Ha! It doesn’t matter! I’m breaking a social norm! Did he not see my finger tapping my cheek? Did he think I meant a real smacker? Ha ha, this is funny!')
RG (blushing furiously now): “I’m sorry!”
D: “It’s okay. Bye!”
And I got up and went up the stairs. I waited about thirty seconds and then walked down them again, glancing to see if he was looking, but he had his head down and was studying (I presume) so I had safe passage out of the building.
When I got out of the testing center, I laughed probably a little too loudly. I was proud of myself that I had gotten up enough courage to do it. I felt a little bit dumb, but mostly just smiled at his reaction. It’s fun to let strangers know that you’re a little bit odd. My friends already know.

Political Ponderings

This is going to be a controversial post, so hopefully I'll get a lot of comments. :)

I always thought I was a conservative Republican, because all I knew about Democrats was their acceptance of abortion and gay marriage, both of which are strongly discouraged in my religion. Besides, I thought that elephants were cuter than donkeys, and so useful with their trunks, which can feed them or cool them or swat the flies away. When asking my parents why they were Republicans, my mom said something about the party being the lesser of two evils. I never really understood or cared. I used to say, "As long as we don't have a king, I'm good." I was apathetic, and thought that to be involved in politics meant to grow up, so I avoided them like the plague. Besides, Poly=many, tics=annoying little bugs, right?

This summer I had a lot of discussions, exploring my mind and opinions with friends who listened and respected them. I've been really excited about my major, Sociology, and a lot of our discussions were focused around it. It's been fascinating to think about societies, especially ours, and analyzing the issues and possible solutions. But politics naturally became part of these kinds of conversations... it was unavoidable. We talked about gay marriage and abortion. We talked about welfare and homelessness. We talked about the environment and gas prices and the war in Iraq. We talked about adulty-type things. And yet it was wonderful! I enjoyed discussing and suggesting and thinking about these things.

People have told me lately, that I'm liberal. This was a surprise; as I said before, I always considered myself conservative. From some, especially people my age, I hear good things about being liberal... like it means I'm open minded and I care about what's best for the society. But from others, often older folks, I hear liberals talked about like devil-worshipers, which makes things awkward when it seems that I'm slowly becoming one of them. People say that most college students are liberal. Is this divide a difference in maturity or wisdom? Or are younger people with less experience really more open minded and willing to see and discuss more than just one side of an issue?

Remember, you don't have to agree. You just have to understand. Discuss, think, ponder, wonder, ask, think again. I don't know all the answers to those controversial issues in our country and in our world. But they're wonderful to think about.

To give my parents credit, later when I discussed these things with them again, they gave me a more thoughtful answer as to why they are conservative. But I don't think they realize what is happening to their little girl...

The Tale of the Timid Explorer

Lately I've had some experiences which have shown my character, or lack of, and it's been really revealing. The past week or so, I've been hoping and praying for experiences where I can better serve other people and stop being so self absorbed. I'm in a relationship and I feel like I've been focusing on him, or me, or "us", while leaving friends and acquaintances and people I could possibly be nourishing a friendship with, behind. Not that spending a lot of time with someone as kind and fun and uplifting as Taylor is a bad thing in any way. I just think that sometimes it's selfish of me.

So, I've been praying for these opportunities to best know how to help people and show my love for everyone. And it's been amazing how I've watched these chances come, watched myself chicken out, and watched the opportunities for increased happiness in at least two lives, pass us by. Amazingly tragic.

Usually it's been strangers: the woman who seems to need just a conversation or a compliment or a smile while we're baking in the August sun, waiting for the bus, or that man carrying a little too much while I'm riding my bike past him. How hard would it be for me to take out my ear buds and start that conversation or hop off my bike and give him a hand? Apparently too hard for my small heart. I just keep listening to Keane, willfully preventing myself from blessing a life, and being blessed in return.

Many things have entered my mind in these situations. The Dianey Angel and Dianey Devil have left permanent impressions on my shoulders, and are tiring of the debates. 'You shouldn't reach out. They'll think you're weird.' 'They'll probably never see you again, so even if they think you're weird for stopping to help, it really can't hurt.' 'But they'll think you're so weird!' 'It doesn't matter. It's worth it. Why do you care what this stranger thinks of you?' 'They'll be offended by your random attempts of friendliness!' 'More likely you'll cause them to smile a huge smile, and you know it'll make your day too!' 'But... they'll think you're so weird!' 'You already said that.' 'But..."

I'm confused by my hesitation, because I love people. I love knowing their complexities and exploring them to find out who they really are. It's even what I have chosen to study in school. I'd like to argue that every man, woman and child is an island: an undiscovered, beautiful island with treasures and traps and surprises-- good and bad. How exciting to be the explorer, knowing the secret short cuts and the reasons/history of why this island is shaped and functioning the way it is! How exciting to be the explorer that is trusted with a rare trust, where they are willing to open up to you and show you their own wonders!

So why do I continue to cut myself off from them? Why does it scare me to talk to them? Why does it scare me that I actually might learn something or feel something or gain a new friend and enjoy it?

I truly hope that I can and will change my response when these opportunities come my way. I hope that I can be brave, listen to the wise advice of the Dianey Angel, and simply be able to treat people like people. Like great people. People who long to be understood and loved. People who need me. Besides, I need to be needed anyway.

Assumptions about Assumptions

Every culture has them. There's a "correct way" of behaving, appropriate things to say, and viewpoints to have. There are also behaviors and ways of thinking that are taboo with certain groups within each culture, and some things that are generally accepted by almost everyone as just wrong. Like Hitler and Cannibalism (I guess besides the Nazis and the cannibals :D). A person's "normality" (whatever that means) is judged on their ability to understand the social norms and follow them in a way that keeps everyone comfortable.

The tone of voice in which you say something could be potentially dangerous. Sometimes I feel like I'm misunderstood... like I sincerely meant what I said, but people assume I'm sarcastic or have hidden implied meaning, and they react in a negative way. With some, I feel like I have to start my sentences with "It's my opinion" or "It seems to me" and end with "That's not what I meant" or "Sorry." I hate having to be so careful.

I assume that people will be understanding and allow me to discuss things with them in an open way, where I feel comfortable and not attacked. And there are some people that I feel totally comfortable exploring ideas and forming opinions with. But there are also people who make me feel like I'm always wrong, or just make me timid to say what I really want to say. I greatly appreciate someone who is open minded enough to discuss things with me, and to create an atmosphere where we can try to understand each other. That's one of my favorite things.

Live Free or Die Hard (2007)

Last night I thoroughly enjoyed a man flick, starring Bruce Willis as the invincible, macho John McClane. It had amazing cinematography and really sweet graphics. I also appreciated the comic relief, and the clever lines. I really like intense movies: ones that make me jump but aren't horrifically frightening and don't give me nightmares for the next few weeks. The film had the ability to make me believe the crazy feats and effects, even though my brain knew it was pretty unrealistic. For those who have seen it, the scene with the Kung Fu half-asian girl and the elevator shaft was the only part that I really scoffed at. I mean, being hit by that car at that speed and not even breaking any bones? Come on!

Spoiler:

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That part at the end where McClane kills the bad guy by shooting him through himself because the bad guy is behind him!?!?!? Crazy. Awesome. Perfect ending.

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Anyway, I was pretty impressed, and also surprised that I liked it so much. There I was, watching this manly, violent, explody-type movie with some guys, instead of begging them, "Couldn't we watch the 5 hour Pride and Prejudice again? I love that movie, and want you guys to suffer through it while I watch the whole thing just for that part at the end [SPOILER again] when they realize they really do love each other after all! Please? And while we do that we could put together scrapbook pages and paint my nails."

As much as I liked the movie though, I was kind of scared that it didn't bother me how violent it was and that there was a lot of cussing. Being from Utah, I haven't been constantly bombarded by cussing as some are. Sure I heard it at school, but I often knew what group of people would be saying all the expletives, and what part of the hall (literally- my High School was like one big long hall) to hum my favorite hymn. But in the past week I've twice experienced people that I'd never heard swear and didn't expect that they would, surprise me. It's been strange, and I didn't say anything, but It shocked me, and a lot more than when I hear swearing in the movies. It's sad to me that slime is so commonly found in the media -which influences our culture, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors so much! (Don't get me started on this... I could go on forever.) And it's even more disconcerting that I can let the words just wash over me when I go to see a movie, and don't even consider walking out or being offended. I know some people that would definitely think twice before watching so much violence or hearing such language. I feel like it's just so expected, that it doesn't bother me anymore. I see that a movie is PG-13, and it's as if I think, 'Okay, this one will probably have some bad words and some "parts". Bring it on!'

Music is dangerous too. I usually know where the bad words are (if there are any) in my favorite songs, and I'll run over to the CD player just in time to mute that one word. This would be great if my mind didn't automatically fill in the word that has been silenced. I think what works best is to make up new words and think/sing them loudly. Something funny and irrelevant like peanut butter and cheese fries. Hmm... I think my stomach is speaking through my blog... clearly I'm hungry. :)

I wish I had an automatic media guardian in my mind that just wouldn't process or understand or hear bad words or parts in the media. Or maybe I wish I had the courage and ability to realize when I should stand up and refuse to allow my mind to be influenced by such garbage.

PS: I'm learning Blackbird (The Beatles) on the guitar. Yay!

PPS: Don't get me wrong. I loved the movie. :D

"Life is pain, highness...

... Anyone who says differently is selling something."-Wesley, The Princess Bride

I'm working on a research paper for my Medical Sociology class about pain, and the social factors involved. I've noticed that when a little boy or a little girl gets hurt, they're treated differently. To the boy, the parents or teachers may say: "Come on, don't cry. Big boys don't cry", and encourage a "macho", tough attitude. However, the girls get comforted and/or held, and hear a very different message: "It's okay to cry". Also noticing that men and women seem to have a different pain tolerance as adults, I've wondered how much of that is due to the socialization of pain as children(especially), and all throughout life.

Not only with pain, but with many emotions, boys are expected to hide them, whereas girls are allowed or even expected to openly show their feelings. A boy that encroaches upon the line may be thought to be a "fruitcake". Girls don't seem to be judged as much... in fact, the "tom-boy" girls are admired, at least by other girls who are frustrated with their own emotions.

Isn't culture amazing? It's been so exciting to see it become more prevalent through research and lectures. If I don't get this paper done by Thursday, however, I might break down in tears... as is acceptable for my gender role. :D

Choose to Take

Spring is here and it's so beautiful! My allergies haven't given me as much grief as they have in years past. The semester in going fairly well... I'm not drowning in everything I have to do, and I still like my classes. Especially my Medical Sociology class; it's fascinating!

I'm glad I decided to major in Sociology. Everyone asks me what I want to do with it, and I always have to admit that I have no idea, besides having the desire to travel and try to understand different cultures from my own. I don't think we pick majors to decide what we'll be doing for the rest of life. There's no way that we can predict that! A major is simply supposed to teach us a way to view the world, and we should choose one that's enjoyable. And I have! I love thinking about topics that seem so concrete and definite (such as love, pain, appropriate behaviors, etc.) in a new way, where there isn't necessarily one right answer, but many different points of view that have value for different reasons. I am opinionated and stubborn about some things, but I feel like a lot of things can be and should be seen from all sides, and we should strive to understand each point of view. You don't have to agree. You just have to understand.

On campus there have been a lot of people volunteering for Choose to Give, where student donations go back to the school through scholarships or other ways. The first day that I saw them, I gratefully ate the free hamburger and listened to their little shpeel, but as time has gone by, I feel like I've been bombarded by them. During class breaks they wave, jump up and down, and scream for my attention. "Just a dollar!" they say. "Every little bit helps". Well, I gave a dollar last year. Can we have 50 cents of it count for last year, and 50 cents of it count for now? So, instead of being annoyed and avoiding eye contact as soon as I see a flash of yellow, I've determined to Choose to Take. I'll take the hamburger, the fresh bread and the wonderful BYU brownies. I'll take the stickers and the vibrant envelopes and the pamphlets. Maybe I could make an artistic yellow collage. It's kind of fun to get free stuff just for existing. It's like it's my birthday or something.

Under the Knife

I just finished a book for my Medical Sociology class: Complications: A Surgeon's Note on an Imperfect Science, written by the surgeon, Atul Gawande. It is a brutally honest account displaying an inside-view of how the medical field actually is.

Just to give you a taste:

"Medicine is, I have found, a strange and in many ways disturbing business. The stakes are high, the liberties taken tremendous. We drug people, put needles and tubes into them, manipulate their chemistry, biology, and physics, lay them unconscious and open their bodies up to the world. We do so out of an abiding confidence in our know-how as a profession. What you find when you get in close, however -- close enough to see the furrowed brows, the doubts and missteps, the failures as well as the successes -- is how messy, uncertain, and also surprising medicine turns out to be."
...
"You have a cough that won't go away -- and then? It's not science you call upon but a doctor. A doctor with good days and bad days. A doctor with a weird laugh and a bad haircut. A doctor with three other patients to see and, inevitably, gaps in what he knows and skills he's still trying to learn." (p. 4 - Introduction)

These were some issues discussed in the text, in my class, and in my mind:

1) Doctors have to practice. We know this and support them, as long as they aren't practicing on us or someone we love.

2)We expect perfection and omniscience, but doctors are human and sometimes make mistakes. And when they do, we sue them. Granted, malpractice definitely exists, but often the mistakes are honest and/or something due to the situation being out of the control of the doctor/surgeon.

3) Many people go into medicine with the intent of helping people, but become desensitized through medical school and experience. Instead of someone to help, the patient becomes just another hernia case, or just another heart surgery. Some doctors become obsessed in making as much money as possible instead of doing what it takes for each person to receive the best possible care.

4)Does the patient or the doctor decide what's best and in which situations? The doctor may have a fuller knowledge on the subject, but sometimes the patient is right... and besides, it's the patient's body.

5)Health care is actually a business, dependent on sick people, and having "care" connected to the term makes it absurd to critique, because who would dare be anti-care or anti-love?

6)What is pain? How much of it is influenced by culture and society rather than neurology and chemistry?

Medicine seems so objective and scientific. I really enjoy looking at the subjective side of it, and thinking about questions like these. Perhaps they are unanswerable, but they reveal a lot about our society and culture, and what we value or deem unacceptable.

Giving In

Well, it happened. I've resisted for so long, but finally half of me gave in to the other. I've seen this trend other times, so I'm surprised that I'm surprised that I gave in. It happened with Facebook, my cell phone, my preferred music genre, as well as some of the current fashions of today. As much as I want to be different, a more persuasive, curious part of me wants to see what all the hype is about. By the time I conform, however, I've usually become one of the last to do so, and the norms begin to change again. And the cycle continues.

As a sociology major, I am learning of the major effect that society has on the individual. I'm sure if a sociologist were to have observed me, my influences, and those whom I associate with, they would've predicted that it was only a matter of time. Don't get me wrong, I believe in the power of personal choice. But in this circumstance, as in so many others, the social forces were very strong in effecting my behavior.

I can't promise that I'll post often. My posts will be sporadic and probably quite strange. But, as a virtual representation of me and my mind, I suppose they will have to be.